So, I used to have this gig called, "The World Race," in this show I was a powerful person. I actually believed God could move a mountain if I commanded it to in His name.

That chapter is closed and well now I need a new show...

It seems like everyone else has a plan, that they have already moved on! It has been 4 months since I have been back, and I am struggling though! How do I take my experiences and the change Christ did in me to make a difference? Its easier to go along with the ways of the culture. Its easier to keep it all bottled up. Its hard for me to share things that are so close to my heart, or things I am still questioning myself. There is a conflict within me because I know I have changed, but I don't know how to live that out here...

I struggle with getting any job and wanting to find my calling....

My friend Joanna said to me, "I feel like we think its the end all be all! That it has to be this specific perfect thing. But a life's calling, takes a lifetime! The little steps along the way is what contributes and ultimately leads to purpose in the Lord."

This convicted me, but I still felt discouraged. Why is it that I felt like I had a purpose overseas and I felt God's presence with me, but when He led me to Colorado, I felt PURPOSELESS, like He has left me to fend for myself?

I have been crying out, "Lord, what am I to do? I will do anything for You!!!"

The only thing I heard back was silence. No direction. All paths seem to lead nowhere. I began to feel anxious and fearful about the future.

But as I have been trying out churches here, God got through to me...

He said,

I realized I was "stiff-arming" God. With my actions, I was saying, "I just need a little advice with this one thing, 

the rest I've got taken care of!" 

And well now I am broken. I am scared. 

I don't know what He is doing, but I am finally in a position to LISTEN to His still small voice... 

I have nowhere to look, but up.

I have nothing to do with my hands, but open them and surrender everything 

and 

all I can say is, "THY WILL BE DONE!" 

Lord, so as I wait on this one thing, let me not miss your gentle whispers....

Looking back, one thing that I was most excited about when I started this race was the thought of getting to see God at work around the world. I wanted to have enough faith that when I prayed for someone, they would be healed. Instead I ended up getting frustrated when I prayed for people and God did not heal them. This made my trust in God diminish and my shield drop. It made me more vulnerable to the enemy's attacks. I realize now at the end of the race, where I went wrong in all of this. I had based my faith on what God did instead of who He is. My faith was lacking because I did not see results, but faith takes trust in the unseen. After traveling around the world, I have come to terms that I don't always understand what God is doing in my life or in the lives around me. I don't understand why one person gets healed, while He calls another one home. This is why it takes belief in who God is, because His ways are higher. I am learning that to please Him, it takes faith in who He is. I want to be faithful, but so often I fail the test. The shocking fact is that when I am unfaithful he is still faithful! He will do what He promised! How amazing is our God! When I can't see what He is doing, when things seem to be rough, do I trust Him enough and believe Him enough that He is working it out for my good? Faith takes believing and it takes trust. I have learned that this doesn't mean that I need to stop expecting God to move in obvious ways or stop praying for Him to reach down His hand! Nothing is impossible for our God! But it is all about the right motive. Am I focused on Him showing what He can do for me, or am I focused on knowing Him more?

 I have come to the end of my time here in Cambodia, I am done with ministry. We said goodbye to the teary-eyed kids we have taught for 3 weeks. Goodbyes are hard! The end of the road seems so uncertain! I don't know what is next for me when I get back to the States, sometimes it scares me, but I know God is working out a plan for me and right now all I can do is trust Him because He is trustworthy and that He will reveal it to me.

That's right, this month, I have a job. I am an English teacher to many Cambodian children. I even have been given my own marker. For three full weeks I will be teaching them about animals, numbers, sentence structure, and practicing their pronunciations. 

I just made it through my first week of classes. I have been asked what kind of man I like by teenage boys, Hollis and I have misspelled the word penguin, and we have all started over-annunciating every word to each other. It has been quite the experience. 

This month has been a sharp contrast to the last. Once more, God has taken me out to bring me in. Let me explain. In Vietnam, I had many things that brought me security. I had a bed, I had internet, I had air conditioning, I had oreos everyday (my obsession in Vietnam), and I always had people to do things with. This month God took all of that away, even my oreos...haha! 

Beth Moore challenged me with this question: "Do you have peace in times of aloneness, or do you tend to require the security others provide?" 

Although I had many things that brought me security in Vietnam, I had many sleepless nights of tossing and turning. I felt out of control, many fears swept over me, and hopelessness overwhelmed me. I seemed to have a lack of peace. 

Here in Cambodia, my team got dropped off in a village one hour from Phnom Penh. We are basically living in a tree house with not much around us. I think God chose this place for us because it is quiet, peaceful, and we are all alone (most of our squad is in the city). He has provided me with a place and the time to spend with Him. God is giving me peace with the times of aloneness. I am learning to appreciate those times where I am all by myself to seek Him. 

I have found that sometimes when life is just "dandy," like in Vietnam, I can have such a lack of peace. And when I find myself in difficult circumstances, like where we are living in Cambodia, I have experienced much peace. Peace is a characteristic of the fruit of the Spirit that is produced in a believer. Something that all of us need, but very few have. My prayer is to have more peace in times of aloneness, peace in His provision for me, peace in the storms, peace in the waiting, and peace in the tears.

Proverbs 14:30 says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body."

"God offers his children so much and we expect so little and hope for such small return."  John Andrews 

I am now in Vietnam with six weeks left to go, and I often find myself thinking what does God have left for me here? I experienced and learned so much over the last 10 months that I have placed myself in this hole of limitations. I have limited God by thinking this past year was the best He had for me. I have begun to think the next thing is to just look forward to home. But even thinking about home, I often wonder where my dreams and desires will take me? What is there to look forward to, after I spend time with friends and family? 

"God is not limited, but we are! He's able and willing while so often we are fearful and hesitant. So much more awaits us beyond the boundaries of limitation, but we must have the courage to address our limitations and break them." 

John Andrews

This month I am learning to break free of these limitations. I am learning to see God's purpose for me each day. Some days I don't know what my purpose was, but then there are other days, like when we visited an orphanage and I am holding a baby that is HIV positive and his mother just passed away, that I realize what my purpose was for that day. Don't limit yourself. God has already given us all that we need.  

"You have many rights of your own. You may have the right to be angry, the right to be bitter, the right to give up on that wayward teenager. But to be crucified with Christ means that you volunteer to forego all your personal rights except one: your right as a believer to be filled and led by the Spirit of Christ who dwells within you. Don't make the mistake of trying to simply ignore your rights when they are so difficult to lay down. Surrender them to Christ and ask Him to replace them with a supernatural work of the Spirit: with healing, with power, with wisdom! (Beth Moore)"

Last month in Tanzania was hard. I was demanding of my rights. I had not surrendered my "rights" to Him yet, to be honest I mainly just sulked in them. I knew that I had failed Him, but this month I surrendered them to Him: that is when Christ offered me His grace once more and brought me to Selaphum, Thailand.

By that time non of the members of the family ware true a Christian.(We were a religious family) Ma mom gave birth two three Kids (Joshua, Yusuph & Boaz). We Lived with peace and me with ma brothers took our studies in an International school at Kenya. Every thing seemed to be like Paradise.

But in the year 1998 ma mom got saved (Become a spirit filled Christian). And according to the Bible its restricted being a second wife while the first wife is still alive. So she decided to separate with ma dad because of her new faith in Christ which non of us new about it............... But ma dad did not want ma mom to leave, he wanted to live with her as her second wife something that ma mom rejected.

At the beginning it seemed like there was no any problem, but in 2000-2001 problems began. My dad started treating us very bad in order to put ma mom under pressure so that she may reject her faith. But she was firm. so Ma dad sent us (Me and my brothers) out of the House...He even tried to KILL US. I can say he treated us as if we were not his own sons. VERY BAD. I can remember one day he took off all of ma clothes and pulled me in the streets naked.......... He did this thing only to pressurize ma mom to get back to him. My Lovely Dad sent us out of the House so for some days we had to sleep in streets, We had no option than finding our mam in order to start a new life with her. She was living at Mwanza town almost 400 Km from the town we lived.

Life was very hard coz ma mom had no any job, She told us God had called her in a ministry of Praying. So she had to spend more time in prayer....... I can remember her sometimes fasting for 7days without eating or drinking anything. Anyway we Loved her and in ways that we don't know God provided.

Little by little i was interested in knowing more about my mother faith, so i started attending to the church with her....Her Pastor spent more time teaching us about Jesus and what he personally meant in our lives.. And in June 2002 I personally accepted Jesus in ma life too... and after a short time my brothers also accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior like I did.

I had to quit with ma studies to find a job but couldn't find . sometimes we had to go to bed without food.  Life was miserable the better thing is that our hearts were filled with the inner peace that Christ provide for us. after some time i was hired where i was paid 2 Dollar per day which helped us have only dinner. The days that i didn't work then we had nothing to eat.

Our dad continued following us, i can remember one day he wanted to shoot ma mom, but God saved her....he also tried to kill us but God was our shield. we feared not anything except Christ our Lord...

Its a very long story/very painful.....I can remember Sometimes we had to sleep in streets because we had no money to rent the house, I though i would have died in those moments,  although our father abandoned us but till to date Jesus has never abandoned us.

Am happy with the way God is using me in populating His Kingdom, With my eyes i have seen more that 5000 Muslims accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior in many Islamic villages i have taken the Gospel here in Tanzania. I have passion for Mission, Hope i spent the rest of my life doing Mission.. Hallelujah.